I Make it Rain
Club survival kit
- Purse–Preferably designer.
- Gum/Altoids–For obvious reasons.
- Lip gloss–Touch-ups are necessary
- Cellphone–For some reason, people feel the need to be accessible at all times.
- $20–Parking and drinks.
- Credit card–Just in case you put too much thought into your hair and makeup and don’t make the “no cover” deadline, and of course, more drinks.
- Camera–Why not be ghetto like everyone else?
- Raincoat–Yes a raincoat!
- Umbrella–Uhm yeah, in case raincoats aren’t your style.
To celebrate the destruction of a marriage, my closest girlfriends and I decided to paint the town red, in honor of my friend “calling it quits.” Divorce should not be celebrated, but being that liquor would be involved, why not? The night consisted of the usual–hair, makeup, wardrobe, trendy club, sexy people, and getting liquored up. Or should I say, getting liquored down—you’ll catch my drift in a bit.
The scene was hot. I was extremely hot…literally. Note to self: Don’t wear that jacket to the club again…black folks radiate too much heat. Continuing the celebration, my girlfriends and I merged into the sea of gyration with drinks in tow. All was well. The music was Jammin’ On the One(had to put that in Tim), and uhm, I think I smelled some weed. Just thought I’d add that interjection. Suddenly (here comes the clincher), a nice young, lady tall, lanky, set-ponytail wearing girl decides to split the sea of gyration. All I heard was “Blah, blah, blah Bitch!” Then, “SWISH!” Set-ponytail girl poured a perfectly good drink (probably actually water) on one of the cutest, most chocolatiest, scrumptious guys at the club. To make matters worse, he was standing next to me–I didn’t get wet. To make matters even more worse, her aim was bad and she poured the drink on the wrong guy. To make matters better (for me), Mr. Cutest Chocolatiest Scrumptious took off his shirt.
We never got to the bottom of the fiasco. Matter of fact, everyone actually forgot about it when a ball player showed up.
So what have we learned:
- Divorce can be a joyous occasion
- Weed is legal, but only at tsyrT
- Set-ponytails are trying to make their way back in style
- Professional ball players automatically avert one’s attention away from the situation
Sincerely, ty!
P.S. Kudos to Mr. Cutest Chocolatiest Scrumptious for keeping his cool.
I Had a Dream
Yesterday, Americans of all shades and hues took the time to commemorate the legacy of the Reverend Dr. M.L. King. Throughout the nation, bands played, banks closed, and many of us weren’t expected to attend work. That “many of us” included me as I enjoyed the last day of my three-day weekend to the fullest. By the way, what songs do bands usually play for MLK Day? I know it’s a birthday celebration, so I’d expect the Happy Birthday version from Stevie. Other than that, what would be deemed as appropriate for the King’s Parade? Negro Spirituals…Public Enemy’s Fight the Power…James Brown’s Say It Loud? I’ll let you ponder.
To celebrate the legacy of Dr. King, I too stumbled upon a dream. Matter of fact, I had many dreams. As I lied in bed, hours past my usual wake up call and into the beginnings of the afternoon, I was completely dormant. My mind envisioned a world where….
… little black boys and little black girls could enjoy a 30% discount at Nordstrom on MLK day to make up for all the disdain the sales associates give to the little blackies who come in to spend their money. Indeed they may often only make purchases from the sale rack, but a sale is a sale. Just as well, they may splurge on clothes and shoes that they wear only because they saw them on the videos, and as they try on the costly attire in the dressing rooms, they may talk loudly and attempt to squeeze their big asses into jeans that were not made for their figures. But as stated before, a sale is a sale. Sales associates should be grateful that blacks enjoy spending their money on frivolous things instead of putting money into their own communities. For this ungratefulness, I propose that all the high-end stores initiate a discount day for MLK. Say it with me, “Discount day, for MLK…Discount day, for MLK….” If not, black people could always go back to stealing.
… little black boys and little black girls could feel comfortable requesting chicken from the menu without fear that the white waiter would give a little smirk. Chicken is not only a desirable food amongst black folks, but for all mankind. I like to think of it as a safety net. You can alway count on the chicken being edible. One can also rationalize that chicken isn’t often “messed up.” Also, it is common knowledge that you don’t mess around with black people’s food. If you’re dining at a restaurant, especially for the first time, you usually can’t go wrong with the chicken. Pork-chops? Just depends on who’s in the kitchen as well as the selections of gravy. Steak? Not so sure. In reference to the previous statement addressing black folks and their food, be aware that ordering steak might require ”takin’ it back”, due to the existence of blood dripping from the interior of the meat. Seems like the rare, medium-rare thing is hard for cooks and patrons to agree on. This would cause another well-known fact to occur—black folks don’t like to wait too long to eat. “Takin’ it back” might cause quite a bit of hostility amongst a black family dining on a Sunday afternoon. Doesn’t even matter if it’s after church. Not even on Easter Sunday.
… little black boys and little black girls would not fear that when presented with a white waiter, that he/she (the white waiter) would offer bad service in assumption that he/she (the white waiter) would be “stiffed” at tip time. Many black people are big tippers. In general, most black people are fair tippers. With that being said, in most cases involving black people, a waiter’s tip starts at $0.00. That ’s right! You must prove your abilities to 1)take the order correctly 2) not harass the diners too much while the food is in route 3)make sure the food is delivered in a timely manner, and most importantly 4)must not inform any of the patrons dining that the kitchen has “ran out” of anything. If this is done, an upgraded alternate must be offered. If the alternate is not upgraded, it must be free. Sorry, these are the rules. I didn’t make them.
I guess we’re still dreamin’. What a lovely life to be a dream girl. However, in lieu of my dreams, I would like to give big, huge kudos to a real-life Dreamgirl, Jennifer Hudson on her win for Best-Supporting actress at last night’s 2007 Golden Globe Awards.
Sincerely, ty!
Life’s Rarities
Rarities of My Life: Let’s just say these things will most likely NEVER happen
- Not pushing snooze
- Cooking breakfast for the fam @ 5am on Saturday morning
- Saying, “No thanks!” to an open bar
- Experiencing comfort in a pair of stilettos
- Completing my “to do” list
- Not telling my girlfriends about the cute guy I met
- Forgetting to put on deodorant
- Not sucking up to my boss
- Missing Grey’s Anatomy
- Enjoying the “hip-hop persona” portrayed by white rappers
In most cases, the actuality of the above events happening is extremely rare. Matter of fact, there’s no chance in hell that 6 out of 10 events will ever occur. If my family ever expects me to cook them breakfast on my day off, they’ll have to wait until noon—-I could be persuaded to do brunch. In truth, I am a sucker and could probably be coerced into swaying on most of the topics, except the free open-bar. Who could say no to a free and unlimited supply of liquor? However, #10 is on my list of no-no’s.
When non-black people, or persons who are not characteristically connected or related to the black culture attempt to emulate hip-hop culture (whether successfully or not), I get a bit confused and often defensive. “Why is this white guy sporting an iced-out Jesus piece? Is he a super-christian representing JC to the fullest, or does he want us to think he’s down with the homies?” I never know what to think, and I feel that in my approach to asking, I’d come off extremely judgmental. It’s always tempting to say to a wigger(that’s not my word, I’m just using it this once…promise), “Why are you acting black?” That would be really ignorant and disrespectful of me. Especially being that I can sound a tad bit like a white lady….better yet, I always sound like a white lady. Can’t help it, it’s just me. That’s the exact comment that often comes from wiggers (sorry….that’s my last time).
White people who emulate the grittiness of hip-hop flava try to convince nay-sayers (mostly black people and their disbelieving white homies) that they either grew-up around the culture and just absorbed all the gloriousness of it, or that they are just being true to themselves. Ummmm…..I don’t think I’m convinced. So how about a little research. Where should I start? How about watching every episode of the new VH1 comedy, The White Rapper Show. Although the reality series is neither marketed, nor advertised as a comedy, I found the first episode to be nothing but a full-blown comical rendition of So You Think You Can Dance Rap meets The Real World in the Bronx.
Although I pride myself in my limited selections of tube viewing, I had to watch this massacre of hip-hop. After watching I Love New York, I was already on my path to reality show hell? Why not top off the night with a sprinkle of white chocolate?
Sincerely, ty!
P.S. Correction: It’s Egotrip’s The White Rapper Show. Also, if you have some free time, and want a good laugh, take a look at the photo album. Each rapper has at least 3 pictures a piece in their best hard-core, b-boy stances. You’ll love it!
P.S. ….again….sorry, but was anyone ever able to rationalize the whole concept of the Ghetto Revival? If you could educate me on that, I’d be grateful.
happy new year!
A new year, a new you! Lovely! Too bad that concept doesn’t work for me. I’m still trying to perfect the “new me” I was working on last year. As I catch up on the self-help/self-discovery/self-impowerment (not improvement) tips that I didn’t complete last year, I invite you to join me in my daily joys and struggles to be perfectly, and I use that word lightly, executed by ME. I hope to open my life to you,which is always comical in a bittersweet kind of way, in hopes to inspire others.
Sincerely ty!
