Say What?
I think I’ve reached my limit of inappropriate office antics. Somehow, every time I make a snide/explicit comment, the CFO of the company happens to hear me. How does he do it? I don’t know. It’s inevitable! Anytime I wanna cut loose, he’s right there. Today the phone rang, and I noticed the number was that of a co-worker. Since I knew who it was, I really didn’t think it was necessary to go through the whole, “Blah, Blah, Blah. This is Ty. How may I help you?” So I decided to go with this one instead, “Sambuca’s Sex Shop. This is Ty.” Why did I say that? And why was I so loud? Meanwhile, the CFO (aka the signee of my checks) was in a meeting across the hall and suddenly stopped mid-conversation. I’m still not sure if he stopped speaking because he heard me, or because he was done. I’m scared! I just know that at the end of the day I’m gonna have one of those conversations that starts out with, “Hey Ty, can I talk to you for a second?”
Update: Don’t think I’m in trouble. Yea! At least not that bad. After the meeting, they (the CFO and the other important people) offered me their delicious, over-priced desserts from the meeting. I know I shouldn’t get excited over their left-overs, but the pastry spread from La Madeleine is DEE-LISH.
After stuffing my face with a slice of cheesecake the size of Texas, I received the most random phone call. Apparently someone charged some hair extensions to my boss’ an un-named employee’s credit card, and the company was calling for verification. So I’m on the phone like, “Now, what did you say Mr. So and So ordered. Hair extensions? Umm…I don’t think he would need those.” From there, I put the person on hold and had to call my boss’ the un-named employee’s assistant to fill her in on the details. Imagine trying to explain to someone that their boss needs to verify credit card charges for some hair extensions. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that or if I’ll ever be able to look at my boss the un-named employee the same. I just can’t get over that fact that somebody (either that un-named person or somebody in the household) ordered some weave. Wonder what kind it was? Didn’t know you could order weave? Anyway, that was the highlight of my day. My side is still throbbing from the pains of laughter. Now my neck is starting to hurt too. You know like when you can’t laugh aloud, so you have to do that I-sound-like-I’m-choking-on-Menthols laugh. That’s me right now.
Sincerely, ty!
P.S. I’ve been over-analyzing the whole pastry spread donation situation. My mind wonders if they (the important people) offered me the pastries because a)I was probably gonna be the one to clean up that left-over sh** anyway b)I looked like I could use an extra meal c)they witnessed me drooling when I saw the delivery man set-up the luncheon.
Get Your Kids!!!
Yesterday was the first day of school in my area. The good news–children go back to learning. The bad news–kids go back to getting in my way. Is it just me, or do the kids in my neighborhood want to get ran over? Who wants to die on the first day of school? Did the kids dread returning to school so much that they decided they’d be better off throwing themselves in front of my car? I’m trying to get to work, and almost kill two kids. That’s right! Two kids, two different incidents. I need to get to work! My route does not allow time to stop for an involuntary manslaughter case. I put the blame on the parents. What gets me really heated is the fact that momma and daddy refuse to use the crosswalks. Not only are there crosswalks provided, but also crossing guards equipped with orange vests, whistles, and mini stop signs to escort the children. Don’t just drop your kids off at the curb and go. Walk their asses to the crosswalk so I don’t kill them.
Check out the drama: I’m already running late for work, and I come up to a school zone sign. Ugh! I slow down because I’m all about keeping the kids safe. Suddenly, out of nowhere a blur of barrettes and ponytails zooms in front of my car. So I’m freakin’ out, and my nerves are even more on edge. That was Damn-Near-Fatality #1. I calm down from that incident and make the rest of my 15 mph trek through the remainder of the school zone. Not 5 feet from the previous incident do I see a family posing outside. Yes, First Day of School Pictures up-close and personal. That still happens? Who still does that? That has to be the countriest thing ever. Those kids looked so embarassed, standing in a line, shoulder-to-shoulder, all greasied-up and polished for the first day. To make matters worse, the momma (who was the photographer) must have shouted out a loud, “Take one with your daddy,” as the father (and his morning beer) reluctantly slid his way into the line of kids.
As you may have guessed, Damn-Near-Fatality #2 occured as a result of my inquisitiveness (basically being nosy). I don’t know exactly how it happened; either the kid jumped into the street, or my car jumped a little too close to the curb. Not sure, but I probably would’ve caught a case on that one. Luckily, the young boy was vivrant and quick on his feet. He was probably eager to go to school and wasn’t gonna let my nosiness ruin it for him.
Sincerely, ty!
Keep Up the Good Work
Work is boring me to death. You know what, I’d rather start off on a positive note. Thank God for this wonderful day! That’s better. Now back to the work situation. So far, the highlight of my work day has been a quick visit from one of my ho-workers. Yes, ho-worker is correct. This type of co-worker has been known to take on the actions and rationality of, “Why get a degree or work hard when you can sleep your way to the top?” Then once they get the power job and the big checks start rollin’ in, they want to get all professional on us. “Hey, you know I’m in grad school now.” Grad school? Why not just turn a few more tricks? I know this may come off a bit judgmental and envious, but I’m just stating the facts. In actuality, I feel sorry for the poor girl. She’ll always be known as the girl who slept with her boss and helped ruin his marriage. No matter how smart she actually is, or how hard she performs her job (outside of the bedroom), somewhere in the back of my mind I’ll always think, “I wonder if she’s still passing out blow-jobs?”
After hating her, then feeling sorry for her, and then forgetting about her altogether, my mind went wandering to the a part of the day that I’m always overzealous for—lunch. For me, lunch is a special time when I can effectively execute my daily to-do list:
- log-off
- chew
- digest
- take a nap
After this is done, what more would I possibly need to do? Oh yeah, brush my teeth. Lately I’ve realized that myself and another female co-worker are the only two who stroll into the ladies restroom after lunch to give our mouths a good scrub down. What’s up with that? Does everybody else just walk around with chunks of burger trapped in their molars? Ewww!!! That almost made me as sick as the Astroglide did yesterday. Speaking of lubricants, wouldn’t it be fabulous if there were a gay, male version of Rachel Ray. She’s just such a bore to me, and I have in mind a few zesty fellas that could definitely spice up a cooking show.
Hope I wasn’t too random today. I’m trying to keep my blog updated daily, so expect the aimless stories to continue.
Sincerely, ty!
P.S. Am I sick and twisted for wanting to buy my 9-month old nephew a little devil costume so he can be the “Hell Date” midget this Halloween?
Why All the Hostility?
I think I’m gonna be sick. Today I just found out what Astroglide was and almost blew chunks. The mere thought of assisted lubrication, straying away from oil changes and lotion, makes me nauseous. I know, I’m such a prude.
In other matters, my co-workers keep asking me if I’m “okay.” I know I may joke around about being depressed (read previous blog), but I honestly don’t feel that bad. I’m from a long line of overexaggeraters, and I have to keep up the family tradition. Then again, I wonder if it’s because they’ve started to notice that I cut my office makeup routine down to just eyeliner, concealer, and lip gloss—these people don’t deserve blush. Or perhaps my disdain for the drabness of life is starting to show at work. That’s probably why I haven’t been ‘in’ on the latest gossip; it’s been weeks since I’ve gotten the scoop. In general, my co-workers only come to me for two things: Candy and information/gossip. Lately, I’ve been void of visitors and hot topics. Come to think of it, one of the other girls put chocolate at her desk, so I guess no one wants to deal with my mints and butterscotch mix anymore. Bastards!
Maybe it’s just me. I have been rolling my eyes more often, and I can get quite a bit confrontational, borderline hostile. I could utilize my ‘tap list’ to get rid of a little bit of the hostility. Then again, BTDT and don’t wanna go there again. Any suggestions?
Sincerely, ty!
P.S. Today was cake day at work and as expected, I refused. Sugary sweetness no longer excites me. Entice me bitches, entice me!
Pre-Rehab #3: How Long Is This Gonna Take
For the last month or so, my life has been a haven for boredom, ho-hum, and nothingness. No matter how many parties I attend, no matter how many cute boys I kiss, the blandess of my life always seems to return. At this point, nothing impresses me. Any and everything gets a double thumbs-down. I’m torn as to how I should alleviate myself from this slump. Other than a week or two in rehab, I see nothing. What to do, what to do?
Not only have I become bored with my own life, I’ve become overly confrontational with others because their lives’ suck as well.
ME: “You’re going to work again? What a bore!” Or even worse, “TIVO night again? Oh hell no! This friendship between you, me, and the t.v. is just not going to work.”
Things are starting to get so bad that I have officially changed my weekday bedtime to 10:00, and I don’t even get excited about birthday cake day at work. I’m usually the first one in line for our monthly dose of sugary happiness. These days I’m more like, why put myself through the sugar rush just to return to the nothingness. I refuse to let the sugar taunt, tease, and put my emotions on high just to let me down. How depressing.
Why am I so bummed out? When I tell others of my woes, most have the same response, “At least you have your health—your family—your job—your friends.” So for them, my grounds for feeling drab aren’t condonable because:
- I’m not deathly ill–True, but boredom=depression=justifiable medical condition.
- I don’t have a dysfunctional family–True. I’m the only “off-beat” one in the fam. Well, me and Aunt Sammie.
- I’m not a social hermit–True as well, but the whole party scene is beginning to bore me. Remember boredom=depression=justifiable medical condition.
- I have a job—True, but considering the pay and the low-competence level, my current job may very well be the main source of my mundane spirit.
In actuality, I’m not totally void of happiness. Each day I try to find something that I consider the “highlight of the day”. This little piece of happiness is spread amongst my dearest friends…I like others to be happy as well. Last week, I was blessed with a double-dose of happiness in one day. First, I witnessed my 8 month-old nephew brush his first two teeth. Not impressed with that? Well, go to hell too bad. I have to take life’s bits and pieces of excitement as they come. Then I laid my eyes on one of the juiciest blogs of all-time: ABenjaminirby. I don’t know if it’s his writing style that draws me in or the fact that I feel I’m doing something naughty when I’m reading it. It’s addictive so if you have a desire to be shocked an awed by a young, hot tender, then you must read. But do so with caution. ABenjaminirby delivers a blog that is a little less Broke Back Mountain, and more like Sex in the City meets Sodom and Gomorrah. Sorry A, but you know your drawers are always on fire.
In closing, I’d like to let everyone know that I’m not totally consumed in nothingness. I am grateful for what God has done for me in my life….VIOLINS PLAYING…and how he has indeed blessed me…MAHALIA JACKSON SINGING…and all the other things I’m supposed to say to show I’m not completely ungrateful. So, I decided to compose a daily list of 10 things I’m thankful to God for. Here’s today’s list:
- Giving me today—As my mother says, “You could be dead.” Boredom beats death any day.
- Mother, father, brother, family, friends—Somehow friends and family usually find a way to brighten my day.
- Health—Even with the depression, I could be far worse off.
- Sense of humor—If I’m not laughing at myself, then I’m probably laughing at you.
- Second chances—We all should be thankful for these.
- Male models—Eye candy is the best cure for the mean reds.
- Sephora—Who doesn’t love this place?
- Caller-ID—Why doesn’t he just lose my freakin’ number?
- The little crunchy ice at Sonic—I refuse to put that deep-fried crap on my debit card, but the Cherry-limeades are to die for.
- People like you who continue to read this madness—Thanks honies.
Sincerely,
ty!
P.S. I’m going to make an extreme effort to keep this blog updated. I know you hate clicking on it day after day just to see the same old crap. With that being said, I’d like to thank Mr. Jake for finally giving me something to look forward to at work.
