Over the last few days, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been missing out on some events and situations. I watch the news, read the news, and even give wasteful hours of time to online gossip. So, how and why did I miss out on a few things?
Why didn’t anyone tell me…
…Bob Barker no longer hosts The Price Is Right? I didn’t find that out until today. It’s always been me and Bob. When I was younger, I’d see Bob Barker’s face and know that I still had about three hours left until I could watch cartoons. Anyone who had an old lady for a babysitter knows the schedule–The Price is Right, Young and the Restless, and then the mid-day news. It seemed like torture looking at Bob–whose hair never seemed to move nor change. But I always got a kick out of the spinning wheel. For some reason, Santa overlooked that request on my Christmas list—Cabbage Patch doll, crayons, and the wheel from Price is Right. Nevertheless, I’ll miss Bob.
…Alfonso Ribero had a break-dancing instructional video back in the 80’s. I’d forgotten all about Alfonso and his Michael Jackson impersonation gig from back in the day. Remember the Pepsi commercial? I can’t believe someone actually convinced him that his breakin’ skills were so tight that he needed to teach aspiring breakers all around the world how to perfect their ‘pop-lockin’ technique in a step-by-step guide. From this day forth, I ban all instructional dance videos–Dancin’ with Darrin included.
…the lawyers on tv don’t know sh**! About three weeks ago I got a speeding ticket. I’m always reluctant to go to court–something about hanging around too many people carrying loaded weapons makes me feel like I’m in Iraq. So I asked around and a few people mentioned they’d used a traffic lawyer. A co-worker recommended me to a lawyer who was supposed to be able to work magic. I called Mr. Magic, and after only five minutes of speaking with him I got that I’m-just-gonna-take-your-money-and-run vibe from him. I asked him my options, and he was telling me stuff I already knew.
By the way, someone has been trying to frame me. Upon my arrival at the courthouse, I found out that I had an outstanding from 2004. I’m looking at the ticket clerk like, “Oh, no I don’t. I don’t remember running any stops signs in 2004.” Bastards!!! Get your database straight FWPD!!! Those fools put a “U” and a “T” in my last name, created some imaginery person, and then blamed me for her sh**. Now you know that aint right. Sorry, but I had to get ghetto on y’all.