Category Archives: Makes Sense

Top 5 Reasons Why Jesus Was the Highlight of Easter 2012

Hello, Readers:

Easter Sunday just isn’t what it used to be. It’s actually probably the same, but I’m just not involved in all of pageantry any longer. I guess that’s what being an adult is all about – reality and accepting things for what they really are instead of what they should be. Easter 2012 was one of those moments for me.

As I walked into church (eventually), I realized that Jesus was going to be the peak of the day, the tip of the top, the ultimate, and nothing else would even come in at a close second. Not even if Marc Jacobs showed up at church with a seat reserved for me and informed me that he, the Prince of Fashion, wanted to be my BFF for life. Not even if the Easter Bunny greeted me with a basket filled with a Kettle One martini and Harry Winston’s New York Collection. So here are the Top 5 Reasons why Jesus was the highlight of Easter 2012.

Reason #5I didn’t want to go through the whole hair, makeup and wardrobe rigamarole. I know I should be excited to present myself before the Lord, but I feel like all I ever do is prepare to get somewhere and drive to get somewhere. I’ll never be satisfied until I have a full-time staff for hair, makeup and driver. Wish me luck on that. As I sat in bed reading my Twitter feeds, Chef Roble’s tweet, “You betta wake up for Jesus” actually gave me a little push.

Reason #4 – It was cold. I thought I could trick the sun into coming out by wearing a yellow dress. It didn’t work. I was pretty much the brightest thing outstide until about 1:30 that afternoon.

Rease #3 – Traffic. Easter Sunday is a standard backslider holiday. For all reasons, it should be. Above all, it’s the most important Sunday of all time. Because of the vast amount of backsliders present, traffic to and from church added an extra 40 minutes onto my normal travel time. It took me 25 minutes just to get into the church parking lot and 15 minutes to get out.

Reason #4 – Lackluster Litter Girls – no frills, no lace, no over-the-top ruffles, and most of all, no white stockings. What are the mothers of today doing? For me, Easter was THE HOLIDAY, second only to my birthday! Many of you might have heard my Easter story. Easter Sunday 1984 was when I first made my debut onto the fashion scene. My mother had me looking lovely. Hat, two-layers of ruffles and gloves. Yes, gloves! But here’s the deal, I was such a fashionable little lady, I took it upon myself to wear only one glove like Michael Jackson. That was my shining moment. That is, until my mother quickly shot it down, and hence the world never got a chance to see my fashion triumph.

Reason #2 – BUGS. It’s Spring! Flowers are blooming and bugs are buzzing. In particular, the bugs are buzzing in my hairs and curly hair don’t mix. You can whisk away a bug from a straight style, but not with what I have going on. It takes tools! Walking from my car through the church parking lot, I was violated by two different bugs of two different species (I’m assuming). One was green and the other was yellow. Why are there so many different types of bugs?!?!? Isn’t one bug type enough? Bugs always aim for my hair. I managed to swat the green bug away, but the yellow bug walked into church with me. I’m guessing he made his way out eventually.

Reason #1 – THE ULTIMATE GIFT. JOHN 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. What better gift than for someone to give their life for you. The burn in hell forever option just isn’t going to work for me. Good thing I’ve made the right choice.

Overall, the bugs, the cold, the lackluster little girls fashion made Easter 2012 memorable. I’m so happy I had a chance to appreciate the day as well. Enjoy.

Sincerely, Ty

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Good Black Don’t Crack

Tyrone Biggums

“You know he smokin’ that stuff.”

This is a phrase that I have often heard whispered with seriousness by my parents, aunts, uncles–basically anyone 40 and up. I didn’t understand the significance of the phrase until a few months ago. The first conversation was between my mother and I. She’d been losing a lot of weight recently due to a healthy diet and exercise, and I was very proud of her. Being the asshole that I am, instead of congratulating her with praise I decided to make a joke: “Hey Mom. You lookin’ good. You not smokin’ that stuff are you?” The look she gave me took me back to 1997 when she jacked me up on the kitchen counter. That was one of the two times my mother ever got physical with me. I was so amazed by her quick ability to both jack me up by the collar and elevate me off the floor. Let’s just say, I’d never wanna cross her in a dark alley. Anyway, after the look everything went south, and I basically ended up in tears apologizing.

 The next instance of me using the wrong choice of words was with my father. He too had lost a little weight. I’m still not sure how that happened because his daily diet consists of frozen pizzas, Bluebell Cookies and Cream ice cream, lunchmeat, and canned stew. Doesn’t sound like a healthly selection to me. Nevertheless, he lost a few pounds and asked if I could send a few of his pants to the tailor for adjustments in the waist. Okay, so when he tried on his newly altered pants, he came to me talking about (slightly bragging) that his pants were still a little big. My response, “Well dad, if you stop smokin’ that stuff, then you might be able to fit in your clothes.”  Then to make matters worse, I added, “You gonna start lookin’ like a crackhead soon.” Why did I have to say that? There were no flashbacks of violence involved, but he gave me “the look” too. From there he went off in a tangent about why drug addiction is a serious matter that shouldn’t be dealt with lightly. He also questioned my use of “crackhead” and wondered why I would say such a thing in reference to his weight. If you’re familiar with the relationship between my father and I, you know that I was thoroughly bored with the conversation and did everything to make him SHUT THE HELL UP feel that I had learned my lesson. Love ya Dad!

Was it me, or just my parents? I felt really bad for, in a slight way, calling my parents crackheads. My generation uses the term so loosely, so I figured they knew I was just joking. I thought about it for a while and realized that back in the day there weren’t a fleet of crackheads on every corner. These crackheads we have today are most likely people around my parents age, or slightly younger, that just got caught up. Question: How are these crackheads still alive? I’m convinced that crack has given a small amount of crackheads super powers. How the hell else are they still living? You never hear about them dying of anything other than an overdose or gettin’ shot or something like that. What’s going on with that?

Sincerely, ty

P.S. I love my parents.

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Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Kicking someone to the curb is never fun. There is just no good way to go about it. You don’t wanna be the bad guy, but you’ve come to grips with the fact that the relationship is headed to hell.  When you try to be nice and mature about it, the situation backfires and you eventually end up with a stalker. Your intentions are to be nice, but that only steers you into the “let’s just be friends” category that often leads to amicable conversations, which in turn cause the other person to believe your disdain for them has changed–and it hasn’t.  Just as so, being mean and childish about a break-up gets you nowhere either. Your daily routine of ignoring their calls or having your co-workers lie for you can potentially lead to a stalker as well. Technology doesn’t make it any easier. Imagine dissuading yourself from using the IM out of fear that you-know-who will give you the usual “Hey”, or the ever so lame “W’sup. Where you been hiding?” 

Face it, lust (distant cousin to love) makes people crazy and irrational. Why do these equations make sense to a person who won’t let go:

  1. she never calls + she never returns my calls = Maybe she’s just busy. 
  2. she’s not answering the door + I can see her car in the driveway + I see her peaking out the window = I’ll just wait on her porch.
  3. she told me she wasn’t feeling me anymore + she’s dating other people = I still have a chance.

Crazy, huh?

When I was younger, I always wanted my mate to be crazy, head-over-heels in love with me. Not anymore. Crazy in love is great during the good times, but hell when you’re trying to shoot someone the dueces. Now this doesn’t mean I have a penchant for assholes, but I don’t have time to deal with anyone’s abandoment issues.  

Sincerely, ty!

P.S.  Assholes need love too!

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